so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
We just took shots out of seashells. Welcome spring break 10.
She is definitely tripolar. Like bipolar but better/worse.
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
we're stoned watching those roller coaster simulators w our hands up screaming on our couch
No but the chipped one is crooked now. Clearly I didn't use my hands to break my fall. I used my face
so i might have figured out why that girl isn't talking to me...I'm 90% confident I didn't give her a pillow when she stayed over >.>
struggle bus is officially taking me on a road trip to hell. If this is just the first destination, I'll jump out the fucking window.
Dude, we tried to feed you but you just started sobbing and ran away
This wouldn't be the first time my boss has seen me topless
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
You kissed my hand and then put a Taco in it. Why WOUDNT I leave my husband?
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
My life is a random series of events connected only by bottles of Seagram's 7
Randomize
