non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.
To this day, he introduces me as "the girl I met climbing trees at 3 A.M."
I told him I had to grab my Swedish fish from the car before they froze. Then I just left. But the fact that he knew how important it was not to have my fish freeze almost made me come back in....almost.
It's nights like those I refer to my life motto: You can't be just friends with someone after you've seen their genitals.
We were tripping too hard to figure out to tell him where we were so we sent a picture of me laying outside the tent saying "find us"
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
Hooker in the library. I repeat, we have a hooker in the library. This is not a drill.
I just got hit on at the bar by a guy who used his mother as a wingman, she was pretty convincing. Only in Stratford.
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
My Sundays are fucking awful. Can't get a blow job.....can't get a win.
It was dumb but not something to force me into sobriety
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
Is it bad that I like to have a guy to flirt with in every class? I feel like it's excellent motivation: to shave, to shower and to show up.
Well, I have no idea where my underwear is, so yea I would say it was a good weekend.
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