I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
Do you think people stop being hipsters when they're naked? because that's what my research shows.
is there an easy way to say "i didnt plan on sleeping with you until i saw how drunk you were" ?
The last shot i remember taking was toasted to "love, sex, and magic". Needless to say I was 0 for 3 on that toast for the night.
I think a girl in front of me glued an ugg tag to a weird pair of boots.
My scrabble letters just formed failure. Thanks God.
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
we cant have a funnel and a dog. thats a lot of responsibility
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
it's all fun and games til I text you in last nights clothes with a head bleed
You have ruined sex with him for me. Now all I think is "boy scout" and I want to go home
Wound up hungover. Visiting 4 y/o nephew suggested cookies and milk and playing Kirby with him with the sound down. This kid is going places.
Yo making cake in the shape of a penis is no easy feat
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
not that i'm not about exploiting men for money
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