all we need is a shotglass and a helicopter.
why is jon gosselin on the news 24/7 for dating some new lady?? how bout I get on msnbc for not getting laid since forever ago
It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
dad just smoked me out. he's yelling at room service for not giving him cookies and milk with his towels...we're both too high to know if thats a legit complaint.
He was taking the caps off the vodka bottles and throwing them out the window so we'd have to finish them. Engineers have the best logic.
We are so drunk I just let him piss between my legs on the toilet. That's love.
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
Hey. Can you be so hung over that you get a rash?
He had to stop fucking her halfway through to do a shit. When he returned she was still waiting for him. The joys of MDMA
Reason 37 booty call break ups suck: I literally could not find his house in the daytime.
they superglued a cigarette to my fingers...i think I need to quit smoking.
i dont know the whole gay terminator look is really hot on him
No he reached for my hand at the beach. I pretended to be a seagull.
I didn't want him to hear me sneaking in. The doggie door was the perfect solution.
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
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