btw, your gf is going to want to talk to you today...and consequently you're probably not going to want to talk to me...just a heads up
mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
The stories of what you did in Cuba got home before you.
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
Was my shirt on fire at any point last night? Because I'm fairly sure my shirt was on fire.
My mouth feels like it's at the dentist but my body feels like it's at the strip club.
He kept kissing me on the cheek when I was pretending to sleep while he cried
just like fucking own it. stare that cop in the eye and just keep masturbating "yeah motherfucker Im high as shit and this feels great"
oh, i solved that problem. i told him i wanted to steal my roommate's nephew. radio silence. haven't heard from him since.
I smell like heartbreak.
Tequila and sloppy rebound sex?
How did you know?
I'm drunk and he's still weird.
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
Look, I need your help, not your judgment.
So, my first week in Saskatchewan ended with me drinking moonshine and getting eaten out in a tractor. I already love it here!
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