Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
He's totally hot and awesome. And he's a Democrat
Good, so he won't mind when you kill the baby.
my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
He toold me that when we were younger I was his boner buddy.
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
At this point I feel like i'm never going to be sober, and it's frightening
Every once in a while you'd chuckle to yourself, and when I asked you what's so funny u replied "sometimes my toes tickle eachother"
Thank god the bicycalist i hit was on drugs
Just pure bliss will emerge from Charles, my tranny bong.
I made out with a guy because he was sitting on my coat...
My makeup looks extraordinary for nine tequila shots, running four blocks, falling asleep with my face in the toilet, and doing the walk of shame across campus in the rain. And to think I'm single.
No later than 4:00 ok - I'm tying my viagra high into a superbowl halftime showstopper. Ya, you might wanna look away for that
So I'm getting really old. I feel asleep for a booty call that I initiated. The struggle is real.
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
I just woke up drenched in beer, in a puddle of beer, and cuddling a bottle of tequila
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