I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
summer is not the time to consider going full bush.
Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
he looked about as manly as a guy in a volkswagen bug can look
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
Currently coming up with judgment, the game. Works well on buses, will probably be more entertaining in bars.
my roommate is sobbing and looking at photos of elephants. i'm so confused.
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
It's not socially acceptable to be drunk in adult world. That fact makes me die a little inside.
I'm trying. I feel like we're trying to have sex with fruitcake. dry and boring.
Can I come by? I want you to meet my squirrel
And they're not making a turkey. My cousin was "hoping to shoot a bird this week"
Yeah i like want to be friends with him. And if we have sex in the physics library well thats fine with me
She asked what the dent on the hood of my car was from..i think she knows we had sex up there
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
Randomize
