We won't sleep together?
The child next door sounds like he's having vigorous sex in the backyard and it's making me very, very uncomfortable. I don't want to look.
I haven't gone out since the baby was born. If I don't get arrested, in a fight, or both I'm going to be super pissed.
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
Did you just send me an ass picture with a quote from the lion king?
What are you gonna do about it?
DON'T YOU TELL ME I HAVE HERPES ON MY BIRTHDAY. THAT IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT A HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
Why do I always end up with closet ICP fans?
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
good news: i got laid. bad news: by your boyfriend
You barfed off the front porch while the elderly neighbors were walking their dog. We had to convince them not to call 911.
Pics or it didn't happen.
just stepped out my front door and let the wind dry my naked body because I was too lazy to go search for a clean towel that may not even exist. I could live like this forever
You were like a drunk and unconscious tickle me elmo.
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
this poor kid thinks hes going to have his first time with both of us
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