apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
He sent me a picture of myself smashed completely butt naked passed out on the couch and said "at least I'll have these memories"
She wasnt impressed wen i brought a guy for her back with me, a 3am impromptu sperm donor is not a gd birthday present. Im a bad gf.
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
We aren't really supposed to respect our bodies til our mid twenties.
it's graduation. he's gonna get congratulations slash emotional i cant believe youre leaving me sex.
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
Me, him and the recently stolen carpet walked down the road and into the strip club. We had to check the carpet with our coats, it didn't mind missing out too much, later the door guy at Subway held carpet during late night sandwich selection.
That's what every 12 year old basketball team needs; a drunk and hungover lady eating KD whilst cheering them on. Highlight of their lives.
we didnt plan anything. just randomly met up in the park, both reached into our pockets and each lit up a joint without exchanging words. we're telepathic potheads.
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
Well I either feel like the fat girl or very accomplished because his bed is now broken in three places
Bro, it was an EPIC night once again last night. I’m so sorry that you saw me naked.
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
Whats a little breast milk between friends?
Randomize
