He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
med student doing my blood work at the AIDS clinic just hit on me after I told him i was having unprotected sex, but didn't think i had HIV.
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
He'd bedazzaled his ass. Im not even that gay...
Calling yourself a modern day Geisha doesn't justify being a whore.
We told our cab driver we'd give him 3 grand if he pit maneuvered you guys in your cab.
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
seriously. next time...underwear. I'm not spending any other holiday season wondering if it'll be my last babyless one.
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
oh yeah, there may or may not be a large boa loose in the house when you get home.
Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat dat dat dat dat ~uterus contraction~
You woke up, mumbled something about forgetting to lock the truck at work, slapped my ass, then passed out again...
Are you saying being a wizard and going to hogwarts wouldn't be life changing, believe in magic you fucking muggle
Chasing down vodka with apple juice and crying. Alone.
Randomize
