im surrounded by empty glasses of chocolate milk WTF
tonight lets celebrate not being married
He told me I just kept sending him the word sex and dollar signs.
I'd like to be considered more than just his fuck buddy thanks. IVE BEEN RISKING PREGNANCY FOR SEVEN GODDAMN MONTHS I DESERVE THE TITLE OF GIRLFRIEND
And then I asked the bartender for my third shot and he told me he had to cut me off at two because this was in fact a family fun center
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
Fact: Chilis at the airport in JAX will serve you shots of jack at 6:45 with breakfast. Ya I missed my flight.
So when does your new flight leave?
At my shot/hour ratio.... I leave in 16 shots. I love flying
Her only article of clothing is an American Flag
I like to think of you as more a magic eight ball of my life's journey?
I feel like the fact that I slept with someone who dresses up like Batman a few times will never be lived down.
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
Here's an unsolicited pic of my tits, because you almost died last night.
mate iv just woke up in the garden. either help me inside or bring out my vodka
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
Randomize
