dude, never take two tylenol pm and smoke three bowls. i feel like i'm covered in cold ants.
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
its 4:30 pm. In the mall. Just threw up into my hands. I love Vegas and Vegas loves me
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
Watching the tv in the reflection of my phone cause I'm too hungover to roll over.... Yes it is 4 PM...
Who is Katie and why do we have her birthday cake?
WHY IN THE FUCK DID YOU LET ME DRUNK PUNCH STEVE? HE IS SUCH A NICE GUY!
Are the homeless actually allowed to bathe in fountains located on Main Street in downtown Houston? Can Houston TX be so progressive as to condone public bathing?
Did you get an erection too during Paul Ryan's speech?
You don't know weird until you've had a musical wet dream about your older brother.
Is it against health code to come into work half drunk and commando?
I may be a feminist, but I am not above using my body to distract you if it means I might beat you in a game of scrabble.
I had mediocre parking lot sex last night so the night wasn't a complete bust.
After he came, he took a two minute power nap and then fucked me for another 45 minutes. He is a machine!
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