In similar news, my cock is bigger than the plane that landed in the hudson.
Ok let's jusst not talk today bc then we'll just do dangerous things but I'll say hello
Just met a girl...She is complaining why on facebook you can't have more then one "open relationship"
I dont know how i feel about her from a moral standpoint...
i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
He managed to tell me he was blind in one eye and convince me to have sex with him in the same conversation. It's love.
He was fucking her while he was wiping my tears.
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
I might not remember all of last night but I clearly remember the part where I humped the mailbox.
I was more obsessed with the sweat stain on her back that was simultaneously shaped like a vagina and the virgin Mary.
Well, we ended up labeling the relationship. We are now each other's designated butt-toucher.
I heard you ran into my sister lastnight. Do you remember making out with her and slapping my uncle?
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
Even after hearing me fuck his friend twice in one night, he still follows me around like a puppy.
Randomize
