its like the voldemort of pregnancies, we don't talk about it
Just made a pepperoni sandwich with cheese, mayo, and pickles. Poverty is like pot, without the happy feeling.
my hot student got the clitoris wrong on the lab practical...so it kinda makes me not want to pursue it
just because he can't find it on a cat, doesn't mean he can't find it on you
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
Jenna and Ryan are ranting and raving about child custody. MY VASECTOMY SMILES.
You were petting your shoe and saying this makes me really happy
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
i love you man. i hope we fuck some serious shit up this summer.
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
You just referred to a pillow with a stolen bra strapped to it as "she". Let that sink in for a minute.
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
The guy I hooked up with last night left me alone with his dog AND IT JUST SHIT ON THE FLOOR. WHAT DO I DO
The last time I went out with these guys I won an iced tea maker from a drag queen.
He saw me naked after our first date and still asked for a second.. so I think we’re doing good
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