oh right, i forgot that not everyone has a go-to blowjob
I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
we found him in the shower with a bottle of jose saying "this is Mexico's fault"
Uhh, there's a legit bruise on my boob.. Again how does he manage this
bro, sorry for: trying to put you on fire yesterday, telling the bouncer that it was you that broke the bottles, and to have slept with your sister.
You're making her cookies in enchange for knitting lessons. You will die a virgin.
I always enjoy the bewildered gaze as I buy chips, salsa and beer @ 0745.
I woke up on your bathroom floor, i used your towel I found laying on the floor as a cape to get to your bed. I thought it would help me walk straight if I looked like a superhero
Dude, get out of Andrea's vagina and call me back
I woke up knowing I have nowhere to be today except parties and it was glorious and I am so happy
you called me drunk last night to talk about summoning sex demons with magic WTF
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
One day I'm going to get tired of waking up and wondering where the glow sticks on the floor came from.
Randomize
