If my boyfriend wants to eat his own jizz after masturbating, what does that make him?
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
IF CHARLIE SCHEEN CAN DO IT I CAN DO IT IM A PROFESSONAL
You can't say "they have anal bleaching for that" and then just hang up
You were fucked up like a footballbat trying to eat gum off your shoe. And that wasn't even the nights lowest point.
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
Pictures of drunk me in a bike helmet are like McDonald's collectible toys. There's sooo many, but NO ONE has seen all of them.
trying to figure out what happened last night by looking around the apartment.
naked man under the piano. THE PLOT THICKENS.
Do you know how hard it is to was the scent of sex from your hair in a gas station bathroom?!
Packing a mid day bowl in the Sonic parking lot. Have I gone too stoner?
I mean I only got hit in the ass with ONE firework
I would rather her be sleeping with someone new than getting to go Harry Potter world before me...
you started putting peanut butter on your pubes.
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
Some guy at the bar last night bought us Arrowhead water and I was so drunk, it tasted good
Randomize
