It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
Apparently they shut down a cook out cause people were selling drugsout the drive thru. Nice to be home
Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
i can't tell if you're serious or not, but 420 is gonna be pirate themed
thanks for brining me home and putting me in my bed. the pillow fort your built around me is also appreciated.
recycled a plan b box. kill a baby. save a tree.
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
Guess who is playing his new drum set when his roommate gets home to teach her a lesson about binge drinking to the point of being taken to the emergency room?
Haha its fine we ask know it. He's still cool thought
Focus on the keyboard man. Focusssss
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
after what u told me last night I think we're past the wtf zone and at this point u should just join me in wondering if my barista lover is a gay porn star
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
I'm seriously considering selling my books back early. I don't use them anyways and I could really use the beer money..
I don't know what that means but it's making me want to fuck you.
Randomize
