Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
the lady in the checkout infront of me had a case of beer, two 40 oz, and activia...really??i dont' think irregularity is her problem
Had a dream I was a monkey and smoked pot out of a bong made out of a tree
she was passed out on the moving sidewalks in the airport, we NEED to travel more often
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
You ever get that 6th sense feeling in your dick like you know its gonna get sucked later?
If a video of someone that looks like me banging that chick on the hood of her car in some parking lot suddenly shows up on the web... let me know, I gotta see how that turned out.
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
Travelers Top-Tip: Europeans do not appreciate being repeatedly referred to as "gypsy" regardless of how good your Borat impression is.
ATTN: We are officially 15 weeks from our annual "Get-Mega-Stoned-and-BBQ" event. Start saving up the proper supplies. That is all.
I gave up trying to understand them years ago. Now I'm just trying to fuck them.
He's basically wearing those Nike boner sweatpants. It's hard not to jump him. How has your day been?
YOU CAN'T JUST ADD EVERYONE WHO ENTERS MY VAGINA ON FACEBOOK WTF
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
Randomize