i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
I feel uncockblockable...banged her in the bathroom with my iv still in
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
I'm having horrible flashbacks of being groped by Pauly Shore.
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
Are you doing trivia tonite? Also sorry I peed on you.
Take a shit and have a hit. It's the Sunday Funday Rule.
this is the last time i am going to a 7am booty call
It threw me off a little. I had to take a moment and ask myself, "Is he really fingering me in his mom's kitchen while I eat a whopper?"
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
We were dancing and then he pointed to the club floor and there was money that I dropped everywhere. That was the nicest thing someone has ever done for me.
The fuck kind of sorcerer makes a pact with tequila
Most of the people I know from AA
Haha touché
can I CTRL ALT DELETE this universe
Randomize
