he has a girlfriend so we used my stuffed animals to pretend to have sex
She looks like Robin Williams dressed as a frog.
I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
This cougar at my work just said "big breasts" referring to poultry... Still resulted in a boner.
I mean I knew we were putting on quite a show but I didnt realize HOW good until I woke up and 4 people were passed out with their ears to the bedroom door.
for the record, graham crackers won't get the taste of cock out of your mouth. also we're out of graham crackers
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
But the guy you're fucking should not be within ten pounds of your weight when you're five fucking feet tall and he's 6'2". That's all I'm saying.
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
I just got three pairs of underwear free and a bathing suit for $20 by modeling them and letting the salesman grope me a bit.
It's great being a young gay man in Chicago!
He woke me up, handed me a ringing phone and said break up w her for me. That hung over.
I may or may not have hooked up with the cop who arrested me.. Or I can cross hooking up with a stripper in a cop outfit off my bucket list.
Its only once in a life time you get to pick your vcard swiper up from jail
If it makes you feel any better I almost got kicked out of the bar for yelling "enjoy your celebratory incest"
I love you.
Randomize
