We got bored. So we went to planned parenthood to stare at everyone who made worse decisions than us last night.
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
it glows. i had to have it.
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
She gave me a rubber ducky to make me feel better while I was throwing up.
I don't know if I should be scared or excited that I can officially drink vodka on the rocks like it's 7up.
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
So when this rash is gone wanna hang out?
She asked what it would take for you to fuck her. You drunkenly mumbled, "pepperoni pizza" and then got in the cab by yourself. You were smiling too. It was weird.
Two guys I banged regularly got married this week. I need vodka.
STOP IT RIGHT NOW IM BEING A SINLESS CHILD OF GOD IN BED TRYING TO SLEEP AND YOURE SENDING ME MEMES ABOUT DICKS
he was like tryna hang and chat and I was like dude there's an iguana in this room
MY GUT IS TELLING ME YES AND SO IS MY VAGINA
drunk boyfriend and drunk me are NOT meant for each other
I dropped my slice of pineapple on the kitchen floor and was just staring at it about to cry. It was really good pineapple.
Randomize
