You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
Just downloaded the entire Justin Bieber album sober.. I think you know how I'm doing.
Oh my god it just tripped me out that I used to be a baby, I had to tell you.
this is a mass text to all the people i smoke weed with. I have Mono, so if we've shared a bong/pipe. sorry man.
I woke up at 4 am to my roomate peeing all over my clean laundry. He thought he was in the bathroom and yelled at me for being in the bathroom with him while he was peeing.
He only had napkins in the bathroom... no toilet paper. If I fuck him, am I settling?
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
The compounded multi day delayed hangover hit me hard today, with a vengeance normally reserved for large objects that go in my ass. I don't feel good.
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
Man, I'm real high and googling what all my favorite figure skaters from childhood are doing now.
Nothing says happy Monday quite like coffee and oral sex.
The best part about theater chicks is nothing is too cliche or out of line. I just fucked her Braveheart style in my entry way while saying goodbye.
I just remembered something. We made out last night, people cheered.
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
Randomize
