I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
Also how the fuck did i get like 30 brown napkins
I love that we get drink and call each other crying. It's kind of our thing.
My mouth feels like I've been chewing on leather and firecrackers for the past 3 days
Looking at an apartment in Houston. It's right beside my favorite bar and the zoo. Best or worst decision?
I'd recommend you leave that level of crazy to the experts. I'd start with an under appreciated soccer mom if I were you.
Well you tried to pay for a drink with your keys for one...
My life has become one weird ass game. No one wins. No one loses. We all just kind of hang in limbo and hope we don't die. Eskimo sisters for life. Please have sex with one of them.
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
Do to my newly discovered condition I'm having to resort to emergency beat sessions to avoid the temptation to text girls I know are easy slams.
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
You don't realize how cold it really is...I poured my bong out the second floor window and icicles hit the ground.
Whatever. I just want to indulge in this mcchicken and forget all about his tiny penis.
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
just saw two mice fucking on our bed...i think its time to find a new place to live
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