I didn't shave. On purpose
What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
it's not the walk of shame if you do it in cowboy boots.
Charles is a playa. And I don't mean the spanish word for beach.
I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
she had a my little ponys comforter. i left when she went to the bathroom
he just kept saying "come on iron man, you can do this!" to himself the whole time..
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
while you've been gone this has kinda turned into some sort of fivesome-type thing. just thought i should warn you for when you get back
If I won't even leave the house for sex tonight. I definetly not going out for anything else.
Omg considering I am covered in cake and probably cocaine that is the greatest news I have ever heard
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
I got a letter from the home owners association saying its against policy to have sex on the trampoline.
Like I wasn't going to make out with the hot Australian sitting next to me at the Portland blazer game?
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
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