wrong asian. never thought that would happen.
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
My clit is not a Gobstopper. Cut it out.
the question is "speedos?" and the answer is "yes".
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
To tired for the bar. Came home and drank wine out of the bottle. Kind of don't want to know what that says about my life.
Kyle's mobile fuck service..... Kinda has a nice ring to it don't you think??
We are gonna sacrifice to and pray to every god in this world that he doesn't find out about her sleeping with his old roommate.
Never underestimate the power of loudly proclaiming you want to make out with someone
The closest I'll come to committing is leaving sex toys at their house
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
I came back from England with a face tattoo and the only thing anyone can talk about is my beard.
Randomize
