I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
I basing my decision on whether or not to date someone on whether I could imagine having sex with them sober
what made it akward was his girlfriends dog watching us have sex
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
Just had sex in the basement of the library... I knew I was paying $120,000 for something more than a law degree
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
I'm setting a 12:15 alarm for a taco bell run. Be awake or never wake up again.
i ordered 6 shots "to go" what did you think was going to happen!
I would have been very attracted to her had she not been reading me my Miranda Rights
I don't know how or when he is sober long enough to donate plasma
Dude that chick had a dog in her car. Like when she goes bar hoping so does roofus. He gaurds the car.
You woke us up at 9:15 am still in your toga from last night saying "welcome to my house party...party". You had already filled up the pong cups with yaager/fireball and ordered a chicken platter... Who even delivered that that early???
I'm storing dick pics, so basically if I'm still single after residency...ur gonna get bombarded. It's gonna be a blizzard of dicks.
Feel free to keep your blizzard of dicks to yourself.
Also I ordered a dildo and I'm not sure if I want it still, so there might be a free dildo in your future
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life
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