Cold hands, warm shart.
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
I just made a friends list on fb of all the guys ive hooked up with. genius.
How do I tactfully ask if the neighbors downstairs can hear me beating it?
did you seriously make the punch out of vodka and food coloring
im so hung over everytime my dog barks the sound vibration makes my whole body hurt
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
I want to be tan and drunk. Is that too much to ask for?
I told her my hands felt like they touched the sun, never been that stoned before
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
I am available for nakedness
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
I wish drug dealers had sales for the holidays
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
Third time this week I've caught co workers dry humping. Quarantine really changes people's priorities.
Randomize
