my professor just told me i smelt like a brewery infront of my whole class b4 my final presentation
you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
hammered. By myself. Accident. Faillll. Snowwwwwy
I don't see why you're so upset, it's not like you were wearing pants either.
I know it should be off bounds, but can this be the chick we all sleep with at some point? I can write it off as drunken mistake, you all just have to come up with equally good excuses
I knew it was time to leave Waffle House when you started singing "What's Your Fantasy" to your hash browns.
there are some nice people on this island. free ride free pancakes and they even prayed for us when they dropped us off
She bit me. She gave me a brief pity cuddle. I gave her an awkward backrub, somehow I thought it would be a good idea to include the vagina in that. It wasn't.
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
k. The important thing is we are going out. You are stones. I am mildly hallucenating.
11:30pm - Shots together. 12:15pm Shots together. 12:45pm Shots together. 9:30am Plan B's together.
Yah. I'm gonna lay you down and feed you grapes, except I'm gonna replace grapes for my balls
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
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