onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.
Any girl that compares her vag to a hot ham sandwich is beyond a slut
i slept with her, drove her to her sisters house to babysit, and then drove around the block where i met her sister and had sex with her in my van. I'm family Friendly!
Mom's drinking. Just asked her if she was good to walk back to the condo. She seemed unsure until she remembered she brought the GPS. We are 2 blocks from the condo.
how many days can you live off of Vicodin and frosty?? im going on 4 days......
i think the bruises are from the grocery store. on separate occasions. i've been spending a lot of time drunk at the market lately.
i have a vague recollection of being in the parking deck around 4 this morning, and on monday morning i was naked on the roof.
that would mean it's on tape
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
He was eating her out on the elevator. What a good man.
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
Well if you're drunk enough to make some mistakes this week I'd be down to redeem myself for my poor performance.
There were grown college boys running around north campus in capes with nerf guns. If security were to be called I think they would just give them more beer.
Best ethics paper a stoner could write. I called my professor Dr. Superfly Arandia. And I'm pretty sure I used "respect the hustle" somewhere in there too.
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
Do you remember the bathroom attendant when he put out his hand for a tip and you gave him a high five?
Randomize
