I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
I hate fucking guys that don't drink coffee. My morning hangover and shame will not be cured by your stupid tea.
bio was interesting today. swabbed my mouth to see what the cells where, ha. found a sperm cell. he was just that awesome
I found the pot of gold last night, and it was full of bad decisions.
Oh, and for future reference, telling a guy that your ass is too tight for anal is like painting a bullseye on it.
As a matter of principle, I waited until noon to start the drinking binge.
tell your freshman friends. will trade sexual favors for swipes. ive got dinner tomorrow open and lunch on wed
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
LEAVE MY LITTLE DICK OUT OF THIS
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
The guy next to me just said he wont play beer pong on principle. Im scared.
Hooked up with a straight guy while dressed as a man. I'm unstoppable.
I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that it may incriminate me
She's not allowed to do acid anymore... she started crying because she thought she was an eagle.
Randomize
