Pants 0. Shit 1.
it took everything i had not to yell out "your name means death in german!"
I think I'd remember a dick in my mouth
You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
She had been watching Bad Girls Club where the annoying girl always says "I RUN L.A.". After she got wasted she kept going up to strangers at the bar yelling "I RUN FAYETTEVILLE." I peed in her drink.
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
Year anniversary in a month. Think I'll just give him a COME ON MY FACE FREE card. I'm both broke and shameless.
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
Our penis' have led to more networking than mark zuckerberg.
Talk about an dramatic entrance, girl rolled up on a stolen bike and was wearing heels and a dress, through it on the ground and said "you guys want a bike?" Of course i jumped on that shit, any sane person would!
It's days like today, when my bra and underwear match, that make me feel like I'm getting my life together...
I asked him to help me break in the space ship aka my bed.
Did this whole conversation happen while you were shitting?
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
whatever, tonight I’ll be getting my ass eaten by an aussie so we good
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