I didn't go out last night, but I dreamed that I blacked out and the *CRAZY* thing I did was to eat 12 cupcakes off 12 diff plates and stack them up neatly. If I had a life, I'd hate it.
So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
I just spiked the applesauce. Try to tell me again your party is better.
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
On the bright side, I hit her with the door on the way in
Just think of all the blizzard sex people are having right now
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
No hurry on coming over. My body currently wants everything on the inside to be on the outside. But really. Don't hurry.
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
My fall semester strategy is to submit my papers with a nude selfie
You've got post-grad studies written all over you
I smell like a skunk, but I'm okay with that.
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
He played with my nipples while singing "How great thou art"
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