i should go to a nude beach and wear just a condom, then ill have tan lines on my dick
It was amazing what she could do with her one good arm.
We had a race to see who could chug their vodka tonic faster. College doesn't seem to be working for me... I'm getting exponentially dumber
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
He walked straight into the wall, said "excuse me ma'am" and continued back to his dorm room.
I never thought wine and chicken nuggets would end up being a thing that I did, but here we are
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
I found a bar with Metallica and a fire eater. I'm home
So I bought that bathing suit yesterday and got buyers remorse so I returned it today and then stole it. Win win.
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
I had mediocre parking lot sex last night so the night wasn't a complete bust.
I have just discovered the land of milk and honey. and by milk i mean vodka and by honey i mean tequila.
if they didn't want us to do blow at uni, why would they make textbooks so smooth?
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
Step 1 was make out with him. so now we just need to come up with step 2.
Randomize
