I hate my date so much right now for even thinking I want to do the electric slide.
I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
And I wrote a rap so it was actually a productive afternoon minus not paying our bills.
Well, if your day started with strippers, then we're tied. Otheriwse, I'm winning.
Just saw a girl i'm pretty sure is simultaneously jailbait and a milf. I never want to leave mexico.
She said i saw her in the study room, waved, disappeared, came back with a coke from god knows where, and slurred "i have a drinking problem but i ate grits"
the bar just sent me a facebook message congratulating me on being a regular and getting such good grades. my life is not real.
I walked in and she was kneeling on the ground with no pants on, throwing up, and holding the puppy. It was one of those moments, where i was like damn i wish i had my camera.
and then you started talkingabout how you wish birth control was disspensed as a candy necklace
Eating my shrimp pasta on the porch with a 40, wearing a Hawaiian shirt, proclaiming "I GOT SCRIMPS." I just jumped the shark of college.
Doing laundry. My jeans from last night smell like chicken wings and motor oil.
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
I accused him of not drinking enough alcohol and eating tacos after midnight. I was sober and he's not a gremlin. I would say bad.
For reals. He's my age and he still hangs out at his frat house & gets hammered every weekend. Idk if I'm jealous of him or if I pity him
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
Randomize
