even a "fuck you" would be nice at this point.
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
Yeah he had his two razors labeled "face" and "pubes". Should I be disgusted or impressed?
I thought you should know that there is a scientific law stating that when there is booze, people talk about your dick.
BRING ME THE PLAN B. ILL GIVE YOU A FREE WATER BOTTLE AND A BUMPER STICKER AND SOME BACON BITS
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
we came into the house to find you doing shots by your self and when we told you to stop you locked yourself in the bathroom...
did I at least say anything...
you meowed at us and said you're a cat and cats drink for a living
He is 30 (that's 8 years older than I am) and uses more Emojis than I do. Problem?
Other than my penis smelling like an ashtray, it went really well.
He hasn't touched a vagina in two and a half years. THIS IS WAY TOO MUCH PRESSURE TO BE UNDER
I love that there are toys on the counter. Coffee, tea, wine bottles, gag ball, and handcuffs.
My kitchen gets me.
The last time the Patriots won the Super Bowl I lost my virginity. I can only imagine what'll happen if they win this year.
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
Randomize
