Not everyone can get ass. Some people are good at building rockets. You’re good at sleeping with many men. It’s an art.
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
You kept referring to your penis as "this guy."
He introduced me to his parents as the girl he made out with on Thursday night...
See, not all bad decisions involve my penis.
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
U have to come, I miss the sound of you throwing up.
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
I'm not sure. But he has a pet sugar glider. So, points either way
As long as that's not his name for his dick.
Idk maybe I'll talk to him once he gets out of jail just to yell at him and get my strawberry ice cream back.
Can't. I'm doing shots with my mom.
So he has moved up to a stage 5 clinger...Surprised he didn't try to lure you into bed with tacos, like he did last time
Yeah... akward. I don't want a round 2
Randomize
