I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
It's Christmas week. I wouldn't know what to do if i wasn't hung over.
yes he does come on. what guy wouldnt want his penis named after a dragon
I didn't want to have to tell you this, violating our brother/sister code not to discuss these things but: for the love of christ stop inviting that 21 year old idiot I slept with for six months to EVERY PARTY WE THROW.
I dont even care how hung over I am, and how shitty this bus ride will be. That was the best sex of my life and it's a beautiful morning.
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
I would have done it. But then again I am a starving student who can manipulate my brain into thinking my decision was somehow morally justifiable.
i'll probably be on drugs forewarning
forewarning i'll probably have done those drugs with you
Your text makes more sense read in reverse.
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
I feel like I might be the only person I know who eats bundles of radishes in-between orgasms from their vibrator.
He stood up through the sunroof yelling "CHOCOLATE MILK BITCHESSSS!!!! YOU AIN'T WORTH SHIT NOW!!!" the sad part is he wasn't even drunk yet. I worry about him sometimes.
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