Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
i can't wait to kiss dudes with my vampire teeth in.
you kept falling over in mid-conversation and you just got right back up as if nothing happened...
I'll be a little late, "getting ready for the party" turned into "smoking a bowl and doing lines in my room for an hour and a half." But I'm on my way now. With coke. And weed.
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
He corrected my use of grammar... I think we both know that means i have to sleep with him
I think the old lady next to me at the bar just saw your pussy
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
i would compare it to sliding down a velcro-covered fireman's pole naked. no more bearded men for me.
We joked about how funny it would be if he got pulled over with 300 breakfast burritos in hus car. We walk outside of the school just as the police lights turn on and pull him over
I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
Back at condo with chick. What is the condom situation urgent response needed
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
Pretty sure I just got the ok to have a one night stand in Maui...from mom. I'd say that's a win in my book.
I'm in the liquor store and fucking "Wannabe" by the Spice Girls is playing. IM ALREADY ASHAMED OF MY REASON FOR BEING HERE, GIVE ME A BREAK.
Randomize
