Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
That girl next to you randomly said that she fits into a queen sized pillow case
WTF.
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
I can dream in two languages, but it's still about ripping a bong.
My philosophy professor just told the class that he is suspicious of dolphins. The stoner in front of me totally gets it. I need to start getting high for this class.
I feel like these arent even my fingers anymore
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
He looks like he was the one that always had koolaid stains around his mouth as a kid, he can fuck off.
Momentum is force x velocity. So therefore velocity is 0 - hammered, and force is ur legs locked up and ur face hits the ground.
I felt paralized they just wouldnt move. We need segways when were drunk cuz if we start to fall forward they well take off and save the fall.
I just want to drink cheap wine and throw my bra at an aging singer songwriter
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
Please send pictures of any nice new years ladies you run across in town, as I've forgotten what women look like.
If I could drink as much and have the amount of sex he has at his age, well I'd probably be dead
Alcohol won't break your heart. I mean, unless it's all gone maybe
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
Randomize