I am now Facebook friends with Donkey Lips from Salute Your Shorts
Oh, don't even get me started. Harry Potter is so pure. Twilight is just teenage girl porn.
im sure we could have fun without alcohol but i just dont wanna chance it...
dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
He's the second guy this morning whose job is jeopardized because of my vagina.
Had the longest conversation today with a potentially homeless cuban woman about mind control.
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
I would like to request a high five for getting laid while wearing crocs and a crab hat.
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
Banana suit guy has an entourage and they're all douchebags. There is no god.
I'm sorry your Amazon says buttplugs now
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
Randomize