i turned job hunting into a drinking game..
it took me 20 minutes to get her upstairs... she crawled under a car and wouldn't come out.
Where was your thought process?
Drowning in my hangover.
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
Had a guy offer me a shot. But he wimped out when I asked for tequila and instead ordered gummi bear shots. I don't think he has balls. I didn't stick around to find out.
She wants to go furniture shopping for memorial day so we've gotta go portable
thermos full of jaeger bombs?
Affirmative
I wore wrist and ankle weights while we had sex. Does that count as working out?
Btw his name is Woody. I must be really drunk to think this is a good situation
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
can I cover your dick in cookie butter?
He played me Kanye.. Speaking my love language.. He got a well deserved BJ
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
I've been sober for almost two weeks and it's been the worst two weeks ever. Even my mom told me I need to start drinking again.
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
So I ended the trip with two cold sores, poison ivy on my leg and vagina, and no alcohol or weed. WORST. 4TH. OF. JULY. EVER.
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