is it bad that I sent her a picture of my penis on her husbands birthday?
he was writing an apology letter to his liver in shakespearean english... That much fun...
well he's currently spooning the coffee table
I think they can follow the trail of blood to my house if they have a problem with me taking a dip in their hot tub last night b4 stepping on a broken bottle
Fran... I put my tongue in somebody's gage hole last night.
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
I'm trying to get WebMD to diagnose me with a hangover
That's why god made go-pro's and tequila
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
She has a girlfriend too.. we decided that two cheats equal eachother out to zero. with our flawed grasp on algebra and the bottle of jack we were passing back and forth the logic seemed airtight.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
Randomize
