Just did the walk of shame across state lines...milestone?
Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
my mom just used "raw dog" in a sentence correctly, time to move out.
Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class
it's not a party till someone uses the fire extinguisher.
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
Can you explain the plethora of sunflower seeds in the dryer?
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
New low: uploading my contacts into Facebook in an attempt to get the name of the girl I brought home last night.
I still blew him because I won't let allergies keep me from doing what I want. But I almost suffocated like 10 times.
I'm literally watching a webcam of the Vegas strip right now and it is making me sad.
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