I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
I cant date a girl that sucks dick at sucking dick
Whats the name of the guy with his hand down my pants?
I wana party with Kermit the frog, no wait. Fozzy the bear. He's probably a silly bitch when he's drunk.
did i walk over a car last night?
You better of fucked him last night or do it now because he is buying all the roommates McDonald's.
Sorry the STD update turned into an attempt at a bootycall, but at least we both know we're clean now
On 3 separate occasions, she grabbed my bullhorn to announce to the entire party she had fucked me.
U offered to motor boat her and it somehow turned into u two going on a sunset cruise in Newport. At 3am.
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
I'm just going to take a nap and hope I wake up more attractive.
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize
