HOLD UP I think she only has eight fingers...
she thought the capital of kansas was topanga.
Just saw some girl biking on campus with a babyseat on the front. Baby included. Do you know how many points that'd be worth?
I definitely didn't wake up this morning thinking "i wanna get gang banged today"
Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
I'm getting shit face wasted, and I have to be up so early tomorrow. I am bad at smart.
A man that refers to my vagina in third person is a man after my own heart.
Fell asleep naked on the recliner spooning with my organic chemistry book. The fact that I made it through four years of college is proof that the education system is fucked.
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
Stay calm. It's a titty bar. A ring of cocaine will protect you.
Taking dicks and breaking hearts, no better life
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
Goddamn it. Hes got me addicted to his penis
Longest 30 seconds of my life
10/10 so not recommended
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