why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
I think you should know he took my pants (buttons and zippers included) and my thong off with his mouth alone. I found my husband
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
Dude you should see the looks were getting for ordering a pitcher of beer with breakfast.
Dontating $10 to the Red Cross relief effort in Japan for every car bomb I take tomorrow. Yes, buying me a drink just became a good cause.
I created a new solo drinking game. You need a handle, a laptop, and a shitty internet connection. Start watching the fort video in the que, play the snake while the videos constantly load, and take a drink everytime you fuck up. There was a video of a an asain female Justin beiber impersonator full screen when I woke up.
He fucked a girl named Oreo... He deserved syphilis.
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
High me just had to pick the lock on my sisters room because I locked my vodka in there. I love vacation.
There's always a silver lining when massive voluptuous tits are involved
i think im in europe. pls send help
Sean just lit a cig with his taser..... I am in awe
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
I'm tired of you and your emotional constipation. WHY DO YOU CLOSE YOUR EYES WHEN WE MAKE LOVE!?
Randomize