dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
We're like two naked peas in a sex pod.
i gave him the "yep, i was your girfriend's collegiate lesbian sex story" head nod
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
I FUCKING SERVED PEOPLE AND POURDED JUGS AND GOT FREE BEEEEEEEERERTERRY
Whiskey and I have a long and stories tradition of excellence
We sent off fireworks off in the taco bell drive through. They're taking it way too seriously.
You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
I keep shaking cocoa puffs out of my hair. Best Sunday Funday ever.
Well I passed out before 4:20 on 4/20 so I deem it a failure AND a success.
Side note, i did some manscaping and now my farts sound way different
Sometimes in life you just have to realize the security deposit isn't worth it.
You gotta come over now. He is eating cupcakes while they are still in the foil.
i opened the door and you were passed out on my doorstep wearing ugly shorts and cuddling a pinnapple, i dont know what happened to you.
all i know is that i woke up at 12:00 am in a shower with egg shell in my hair. i am 90% sure you are responsible.
Randomize
