his status popped up and said 'probably going to jail.' it took everything i had not to press the like button
I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
You were pissed we didn't change the movie to Eurotrip so you kept singing "Scotty Doesn't Know" over and over until you passed out.
We FINALLY fucked. I swear that's the longest I've ever held out for
Umm you met him three days ago....
I said what I said
high. he's playing 'oops i did it again' on the ukelele. is this real life?
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
Note to self glow in the dark nail polish can be quite the mood killer during sex especially when you notice its working for the first time and you stop everything your doing to do spirit fingers
his phone is always ringing though. It makes me feel like I'm dating a doctor who's always on call.
yeah, dating a doctor sounds much better than fucking your drug dealer.
No. I'm too high for this. I gotta focus my mind for my future Hooter's interview
Apparently the Massachusetts Bay Transit Authority severely looks down on Chinese firedrills on a public bus
Yeah but the people love.
It is unclear if my flaming esophagus is hangover induced.
ever had one of those days where you say fuck it and lick the inside of a bag of chips
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when I get back.
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