found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
I just googled maps his house, and took the virtual tour back to my apartment, just so I could visualize the walk of shame in the morning
literally followed a trail of condoms to the bus stop this morning. Ahh modern-day bread crumbs
Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
Just woke up to find myself in a random bed with two people next to me having sex. I thought it would be awkward to just suddenly get up so i think I'm gonna lie here and pretend I'm still sleeping.
Because Kyle had a tattoo kit at his house and I wanted one and all he could draw was a mustache or a stickman on fire
I used my tears to chase my tequila. You could say I rallied.
The DJ was throwing glowsticks into the crowd and managed to smack one guy in the face with them
Do you know how hard it is to give a bj in your dead grandmothers car
I'm slowly getting to where I don't hate people anymore.
Never mind. Some random dude just walked past me and asked if I was having fun. I snarled at him. I might still kinda hate people.
"He didn't answer my snap so I know he's arrested"
Can you come unlock the door? I just peed myself on the porch.
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
It was rocky mountain showdown of course we got shitfaced and talked about eating buffaloes
Live it up bro, they're always so surprised to find out you use magnums, being such a tiny man and all. It's a good thing.
Randomize
