I just saw the girl you left with - Chris Hansen's looking for you
On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
90% of the problems in your life are directly related to your vagina
It says i should accept HIV aids as my friend on facebook.We have 12 friends in common. I need new friends.
bitch please you did NOT just unlike my status..
You stood next to him taking HUGE gasps of air in an attempt to second hand smoke his cig because you didn't have one...
I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
I'm really sorry I hooked up with your student on the dance floor..
Yeeah, I think a threesome is one of those wedding presents you can't register for at Bed Bath And Beyond..
He stopped mid sex to pour wine in my mouth...
Marry him.
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
Can't. Way too high. Forgot how to operate doors. Stuck outside.Come get me.
i found you laying on the floor staring at the ceiling and you kept muttering "why" in various inflections.
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
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