I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
That just sounds like a recipe for sex in my backyard. Yes.
I hooked up with a 20 year old last night. I feel like a hocus pocus witch that sucked life from a child.
I never appreciated sexting until I went to rehab
I took a hang over nap infront of the door to my 9am class
I'm with some lesbians. Somehow I offended them and the Justin Beiber one told me I was fat.
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
"I'm gonna wax that ass" was the successful pick up line used on me last night. Clearly I had a few too many cause it worked..
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
Thought the acid was fake. Then my reflection didn't move when I did in the bathroom.
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
Hahaha wearing a fake moustache in public was the best idea i ever had
Gave a guy a blowjob in a convent. Place in hell is now secured...
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