Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
My gynecologist just commented on how well my vagina was waxed
she said "the two best ways to sober up are to nurse someone or give a blowjob" and im gonna go along with it.
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
If thou arrisest to consciousness before I, rise me to an office of alertness for occupations such as brunch. Warm Regards, your roommate.
We have to have sex while I'm dressed as a tiger. It's one of my life goals
So idk if it's because I'm working out again or the coke, but I hit my target weight today. Whaaaat uuuup. Come and get me thanksgiving.
I think I'm interested in anyone that recognizes I actually have a pulse
I asked him how his night was and he sent me a picture of a bottle of Ciroc with a bendy straw...
So hungover. Walked into room and poached their catering before realized in wrong place. Scowled and ate it anyway
I just swallowed some ecstasy stuck in my nose from last night. Work should be interesting.
My mom just busted me rolling a blunt on her bathroom counter. ...all she said was fuck it it's Christmas
THIS IS AN AMERICAN HORROR STORY I CAN'T FIND MY VIBRATOR ANYWHERE WHICH MEANS I LOST IT WHEN I MOVED WHICH MEANS MY POOR VIBRATOR IS OUT THERE IN THE WORLD ALL ALONE RIGHT NOW WHAT AM I GOING TO DO
When I came out of the bathroom you were naked dead asleep on the couch but your dick was still rock hard standing straight up. I almost took a pic. It was impressive.
No pussy. I don't care what time of year it is you do not look tough wearing sandals. Honestly you look like a high school guidance counselor.
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