Got a toothbrush?
can we please move this conversation out of my vagina?
just used a caramelizing gun to spark a bowl, i don't think today could get much better than this.
Nothing says "This dudes gotta go" better than a boner on your back waking you @ 5 in the morning
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
He got 20 stiches.. Who knew so much damage could come from a single shopping cart.
EVERYONE IS SPEAKING SPANISH. I ONLY KNOW HOLA.
We knew it was a good time to leave when you spilt the salsa on the ground and were trying to put it back in the jar with your hands
Find me a cup with a lid so I can illegally drink in your car. I'll be there in bout 10 minutes.
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
I woke up on the green space outside our dorm cradling a watermelon and sucking my thumb. College is crazy man.
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
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