The football player sitting in front of me just googled himself. Only 4 articles came up. That's why he plays at Utah State.
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
She threw up in the hot tub how's your night
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
She just hopped out of the car at a red light to pet the baby Jesus in the nativity scene.
Not worth it.
You take your time. Wallowing in last nights filth is the best way to get over a hangover
so far, I've observed him try to hit on 3 girls, 1 guy and a bar stool. Humanity is amazing from a sober point of view.
I've thrown up in front of nearly every customer we've had today.
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
She came so hard that after she finished, she started a slow clap and then told me she pulled a muscle.
My eczema on my back is flaring up so he rubbed coconut oil on it while we were boning down. If that's not a picture of 8 years married I dunno what is.
who knew magic tricks and sex would actually go together?
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
Randomize
