Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
i just woke up i smell like fire, i have bruises on both knees and one elbow, i have a lighter and nip of smirnoff blueberry in my bed, rug burn on one hip and about 12 pics of you and me on my camera-this needs to stop happening
yea ive got to shower which is going to be painful given the skin burns from the blowup obstacle course races last night
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
Don't you hate it when all three people suddenly sober up in the middle of a threesome. Awwwwkward.
i think i pulled off the nice guy thing too well. it just backfired later on when she thought i was actually nice.
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
Just got my first unemployment direct deposit!!!' celebrating at the beach
Me toooooo!! Margaritas
I never knew being a drain on a functioning society would feel so good
She's beautiful tan and skinny she will make me hate myself and that's what I need in a friend right now
Got home last night and found a Big Mac in the shower, tampons all over the place, and two pairs of your panties on the front porch.
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
Sup man, did you have a 3way this month if so it would be 3 for 3 for the house
in the midst of studying i picked up my capsule full of untouched weed, popped it open, and whispered "soon" into it. midterms man
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
Jesus Christ. Even your cock has to be an overachiever. :-(
I mean, you've had my nipples in your mouth now, so I think we've reached a certain level of friendship.
Randomize
