he was so hot that i framed the used condom. it's not trash, it's art.
She came to work with 6 additional layers of make-up, playing every Nickelback song about explicit teen sex, and with a dozen twinkies she bet she could finish without chewing any. I'm investing in a rape whistle.
ii just google-imaged 'sad turtle' and maggie gyllenhaal only came up once. what is the world coming to?
So we were banging and she started puking all over my bed. I'm not sure what's worse, her puking, or that I felt the urge to start singing Flip-adelphia.
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
The best part was that when I woke up, I poked her with my dick to wake her up, and said, "Hi, I'm Alex. Nice to meet you". Shoulda seen the look on her face. Priceless.
Why is there a chicken nugget nailed to my front door?
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
MY TITS ARE PERFECTLY CALM.
A check for $9 that I used to buy six boxes of Girl Scout cookies bounced. I think I've hit a new low.
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
I just want to meet a nice normal guy that doesn't want me to taze him while we have sex. . . . .is that too much to ask for?
Hey, thanks for helping me this morning
Always a pleasure to feed you bread as your body lay crumpled on the floor.
Drinking wine while working. Yay.
Just had sex at the YMCA.
We are so productive today.
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
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