Only in Alabama do they play hymns in a bar!!!
They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
we where pretty evenly matched until he threw me through that wall
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
Picture this: me driving down 183 throwing up into a towel. I just hit rock bottom.
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
the old man that you threw the shoe at says "hi" and many rude words...
Really, who hasn't had sex on your bed?
ME.
I bought more beer than I could carry and managed to fit it all in the fridge. It's an alcoholicmas miracle.
I had the choice between 9 burritos and 1 girl...
And...?
Mixing Powerade and white wine has been one of my better ideas.
Randomize
