i messed up with two guys last night...one i pranked and left the phone on..the other one i went crazy on trying to be his girlfriend after four jagermeister shots...
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
he kept his composure pretty well until he puked on the cop car
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
why is there a chinchilla in our apartment, and where did it come from?
question nothing. DON'T QUESTION A FREE CHINCHILLA.
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
I can't turn off my feet"
Everyone keeps telling me I look so healthy and happy today: the power of the penis people!!
Some nice lady just gave me a beer out of her purse. I love youth hockey
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
You're too drunk for my bullshit, and i'm too sober to put up with yours. I have no idea how you expect to find middle ground here.
He wore a t-shirt that had an arrow pointing to his crotch and "DO IT FOR THE VINE" on it.
At least he's honest about how long he'll last.
where are you?
two trains and a bus walk of shame. so not worth it.
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
Randomize
