i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
That's kind of creepy but I guess since I'm wearing your dad's pants nothing is off limits anymore
I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
of course he's cheating on me, she's 100x prettier and she can do the splits
Watching Blossom reruns on YouTube. Eating Pringles dipped in hot chocolate. Not taking this breakup well.
Someday you'll be stoned enough to create a one-person step team and then you'll understand
They left at like 4. I got up to help clean their house this morning and we found his pants. No ones heard from him, we're all a little scared.
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
I'm in my bed. Snow angles in fresh sheets. don't even try to get me out tonight.
Yeah, we agreed, but I feel like I need at least one more ride on the bonecoaster
I took a vibrator for a weekend with my parents instead of a boyfriend. I obviously have my life together.
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
He stood up through the sunroof yelling "CHOCOLATE MILK BITCHESSSS!!!! YOU AIN'T WORTH SHIT NOW!!!" the sad part is he wasn't even drunk yet. I worry about him sometimes.
i am also 80% sure that my shirt glows in the dark.
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