my periods are so regular now that they are sync-ed with my subscriptions of vogue.
don't worry, i have a range rover and a brother hopped up on steroids.. we can solve this little misunderstanding quite easily.
how lazy do you have to be to be a fat vegetarian?
there's a lady drinking out of a red cup in class. HAPPY FRIDAY
I was high enough to think that mac-n-cheese w/ ketchup, tortilla chips w/ ketchup, and milk was a fancy dinner
She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
Day drinking straight vodka out of a Mountain Dew can being towed behind a kayak on a raft. And no, there is no time difference, it really is 10 am.
Yah... You need to get here. Evan just peed off the karaoke stage.
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
I feel like sleeping with foreign people is a long term investment. It's like a time share. Now when I go to London I have a place to stay.
next time you go get food at three am and leave a rando here can you warn me??? Also i tazed him. but it was just my little one so i think he'll be fine. bring me some fries.
i'm not sure you can trust me in a car with 20 dozen donuts
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