i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
We convinced you to take a shot out of the sponge...there were still suds in it.
before we even ate breakfast we'd found an eighth of weed in some old purse she never uses. it was gone by lunch
I'm currently braless eating the balls of the penis cake and drinking warm champagne. I'm 3 cats away from crazy at this point
Aren't you proud to know somebody who texts you "manifold facade" while dumping frozen colada mix into a blender of rum
Can we fangirl? Can we have fangirl Tuesdays?
Sure lol what's that?
Oh, dear, sweet Laura. Please start singing A Whole New World. I have Aladdin's part, you're Jasmine.
Why?
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I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.
Is it normal, that tacos make me horny?
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
RICK FUCKING MORANIS!!!!!
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